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I said it.
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Wednesday, July 02, 2008 @ 1:03 AM Its been almost 2 months, since one of my biggest defeat in life. I hadn't been talking bout it before, mayb it's because i wasn't ready. Who likes to talk bout their defeat anyway, shopping and eating would be waaaay more interesting. I've never felt this bad before. Perhaps I was living too comfortably to actually realise that this break up was coming. Hey don't get me wrong I'm not blaming anyone for this. Having to face this without any alarm just wasn't easy at all! All I wanted to do was to just sleep forever and never wake up. Being awake, doing routine stuff, everything will somehow remind me of him. Ain't good at all. With the lowest crying threshold that I have, staying tough is not something that I'm good at. All I wanted to do was to be alone and mourn bout my life, my defeat. Why did I let this happen? Why am I not good at anything? I know I'm not the most perfect person in the world. I've always suck in sports, chinese, self-control, and many other things. Now, I have one more to add into my resume, failure to sustain a relationship. The whole post break-up period was the worst thing that had happen to me. Its like my soul had been sucked out of my body, leaving me nothing but an empty shell. Whatever that comes in your way just irritates you. I throw tantrums a lot more than i used too. All the 'why' questions start popping out and I'd end up crying myself to sleep. Couples had become a total eyesore to me. At one point, I hated Disney so much for producing all the fairytale cartoon for children. Because fairytale is no where close to reality. Why mislead them to believe that life is wonderful and then later reveal to them that it is actually the opposite? So much for 'Happily ever after'. I hate gossip girls too! I love watching it but I hate it for being so perfect. AAAHHHHH I thought watching drama would make me happy than feeling even more depressed. Sigh. My self-esteem seems to be getting lower and lower these days. Ok I was emoing when i wrote this so what i've said does not determine how i would feel in future. I'm so sorry that my friends had to see me at my lowest point in life. It must have been horrible. But I thank you deep down, for being there, for making me stronger. I also thank him, for wanting the best for us, for wanting the best for me. But now that I can actually talk bout it and still be cool, it shows that I'm healing already. Being in a totally new environment has made it a lot better for my recovery. Sometimes I wonder, should I be complaining or be grateful for coming to Scotland. I still don't know. All I know is that, I should put the past in the past. But things are easier said than done. Scotland will be one hell of an experience for me, and also for everyone of us. So this would be like a super long holiday for meee! But must study hard also lar.. My future depends on the piece of paper that I'll be getting wei. Hugs! Labels: Emotions 0 shouts. |